Haunted

In a place you only dream of
Where your soul is always free
Silver stages, golden curtains
Filled my head, plain as can be
As a rainbow grew around the sun
All the stars above who died came from
Somewhere beyond the scene you see
These lovely people played just for me.

Green Grass and High Tides Forever

The Outlaws

Hughie Thomason, Songwriter

Chapter 1

Hey man, did you hear about Steve?  I heard they had to put him in the crazy hospital.  Yes, but I just found out he shot himself.  No way.  Yep, he’s dead.  Holy shit.  I never thought he would do something like that.  Do you know the details.  He got someone to sneak a gun into him.  And he shot himself in the head.  Do you know what happened to start all this besides the problem with addictions?

From what I’ve been told.  After he took the 60 pills and tried to OD, he got straight.  You know started attending church going to meetings.  He even spoke at meetings.  He was doing great.  Then his wife left him, and he got depressed and money was a problem.  He started gambling.  Found some other recreational habits and went down the rabbit hole.  He got behind on bills.  Of course, she pretty much got everything.  He didn’t give a shit he said because of his daughter.  Let her have it he said, maybe she’ll take care of my kid.  Then like I said he lost his business.  Just let her have the damn thing.  His mom’s house.  And of course, there big house burned.  He didn’t even rebuild it.  They foreclosed and sold it at an auction.  Then she turns around and sells the restaurant and house. She disappears into the night with his daughter.  Of course, he finds her. She went home to momma.  Twelve hours away.  Didn’t get permission from the court system or anything.  He tries to get her back closer, but she lies, and the Judge denies his request.  He doesn’t get to see his daughter anymore and gets depressed. 

Finally, out of the blue something good happens.  He gets a good job with great benefits.  He works his ass off and everything is going great.  Boom.  He meets this younger woman.  About 24 years younger.  Nick, he called her. He’s doing great he has a health issue and takes a leave of absence from work.  He took off a couple of months.  Gets everything fixed and check out.  He’s happy and Nick is happy it seems, and they are getting along great.  So, what happened.

It seems Nick like to party.  Not drink,  but other kinds of suicide in a bottle.  And that was right Steve’s alley as you know.  He finds better ways to get high and die.  Lol Some folks never learn.  I hate to say that but it’s the truth.  But anyway, don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but the truth is the truth.  I hear you there.  Please continue.  Anyway, he and Nick end it. She goes back to her husband and he never told about that situation.  But anyway, he continues to do the things she introduced him too.  Well, this one day he shows up at the house.  I can tell he’s spun.

 He’s talking all this crazy shit about drugs, God, spiritual awakening, how he found some gateway, just crazy shit.  So, I ask him.  Where did you get all these weird notions.  He goes well, I talk to, are you sitting down?  Yep.  What did he say?  He said he talks to Dead Rock Stars.  That they visit him and tell him secrets.  You’ve got to be shitting me.  No. So I ask him, what kind of secrets?  You didn’t believe that stupid shit did you.  Hell no.  What else did he tell you.

First, I asked him.  How come they picked you?  Did you ask them that?  He says, I did, and they said it was predestination.  What is that?  It’s like you life is already predetermined.  You don’t really have a choice.  It’s already laid out for you before you are born.  You actually agreed to this life before you were born.  OMG!   That’s crazy.  So, what did you say to that.  I said, bullshit.  Then he goes off on the tangent about not ever dying, and how he had super powers and could read minds.  And that’s when I started laughing and said, okay read my mind hotshot.  What did he say?  He say you’ve been feeling troubled lately.  That I was worried about money and that I thought Britany was cheating on me.  Uh, was he was right?  Part of it?  Which part.   The Britany part.  Well.  Damn. That’s spooky.

So, what happened next. He leaves the job.  Starts doing something totally different.  Says he is written a book.  Can you believe that shit?  Tells me all this muck. Did he write a book.  Yes he did.  So how did he wind up in the Crazy House.  He messed with the wrong person, I guess.  No.  You just can’t have someone committed you know.  That have got to be a threat to themselves or someone else.  Well, it seems the ex-called someone and told them a bunch of lies.  And that someone somehow got a warrant and went to his house and found some drugs.  He said they weren’t his but who knows.  Anyway, the cops take pictures of everything.  He had all these posters on the wall.  It was about religion and all this seeking crap he was doing.  He admitted to smoking weed often but there was some really “out there” ideas on these poster boards.  When he goes before the judge the judge insists on treatment.  He doesn’t have a choice, so he goes.  He gets out and gets into with someone who lives at his complex.   Something stupid.  Anyhow he gets into a fist fight and lights the guy up.  Well, this sissy calls the cops and bingo he winds up back in the nut house.  I go to see him, and he’s messed up.  They have him on all kinds of anti-psychotic drugs.  He doesn’t even know his damn name.  He’s like a zombie.  I get the hell out of there because he’s gone over the edge.  I talk to his sister and she pretty much agrees with me.  She tries to get him out but nothing.  The next thing I know his sister calls and says they found him dead next to his bed in the hospital.  Someone carried in hand gun into him and he used it.

That’s a damn shame.  It’s sure is.  When is the funeral?  Day after tomorrow.  So, you know anything else?  Yes, but I can’t tell you right now.  Got to go run errands.  Come to the house tonight and Britany will cook, and we can talk some more.  Sounds good what time.  Around 7pm.  I’ll be there bro.

This is the first chapter of my book that will soon be published on Kindle.  The name of the book is Dead Wishes.  This is a teaser if you will.

Chapter 2

Dead Children

Awake.
Shake dreams from your hair
My pretty child, my sweet one.
Choose the day and choose the sign of your day
The day’s divinity
First thing you see.

Jim Morrison

Hi Britany.  How are you Bobby?  I’m just hanging in and hanging on.  What about you?  I’m doing great. And dinner will be done shortly.  Pat is in the great room watching the game.  I’ll call everyone in about 30 minutes.  Make yourself at home here’s a beer. 

Chester what’s going on.  How come Britney calls you Pat?  That’s my name dumbass.  Chester Patrick Simmons.  I didn’t know you middle name was Patrick.  Now you do.  What you do sound thrilled with something.  I didn’t want you to know my middle name.  Well, that’s stupid.  I know just one of my pet peeves.  But anyway, let’s eat and we can talk.  Sounds good I’m hungry.

So, lets get down to it Chet.  I want to know what happened to our friend.  I mean really, he was always a little crazy but suicide?  I’m really shocked.  I was too actually.  It’s not something I could do.  Mainly because of fear and my beliefs.  I’m with you on that one.

Ok here’s what he told me.  Better yet I have it written down. In fact, it was the start of his book.  He asked me not to tell anyone.  He was writing a book about it.  He said it just came on him all of a sudden. The writing thing.  Wow, man he gave you a book.  Yes, and now, you know why I invited you.  He left me all his stuff.  Briefcase full of notebooks, journals, poetry and ramblings.  He had made me agree that if anything happens to get it to certain people and gave me the passwords to everything on his phone and computers.  I didn’t know it, but he had blogs, websites, and web store all over the web.

He had sold stuff on eBay, amazon, and places I’ve never heard.  He had email accounts with different names and fake Facebook, twitter, Tumblr and everywhere.  All connected and posting different things.  He had been very busy.  Writing, selling and connecting stuff. 

What was he trying to accomplish with all this? Bobby, he was trying to make some money of course and he said he love writing.  But he was looking for answers about life and death.  About God, the Devil, and Heaven and hell.  He said there was more that just the bible in all the grand universal scheme.

One night he was really krunk.  He said hell Chet, I’m already dead anyway.  I said you’re not dead you idiot. I can see you hear you and knock the shit out of you if I wanted too.  He said my body is here, but my soul is gone.  I laughed and said that’s entirely possible.  He laughed too!  Then I drank and he did what he does, and wound spending the night so he would need to drive.  He was gone when I woke up.  He left all this junk in the guest room closet with a letter in an envelope.  Britany found it and we read it.  We opened and found the letter and a last will and testament.  His freaking will.  And now he dead. That’s heavy Chet.  What’s in the will?  He didn’t have much.  But he left it to his children, sister, grandchildren, and he left me some things.

For real what did he leave?  I’m not going to tell you yet because I want to turn this over to a lawyer and executor or his will.  Okay, I understand but you said he didn’t have anything.  Yes, but he told me if he were to die that that is when he would be discovered.  Check this out, he said it happens every time.  What did he mean by that?  He said he was trying to become a famous writer and that in every life he has he dies before it happens, and he becomes famous after and his family and friends become rich.  Chet, you got to be kidding.  Nope. So, is he famous yet?  No. Not even close.  His luck is about like mine.  I’m kidding again.  My, my this is getting interesting.  What else dude. 

He left most his personal belonging and his Bama collection.  Really?  That’s a good collection.  He did love the Tide.  Doesn’t everyone.  NO.  Only the winners.

Chet, tell me what he told you about the dead rock stars.  Well like I said it’s in the book.  Have you read the book.  Yes, I have and it’s good.  Can I read it.  Not yet but you can buy it off Amazon.  How much is it?  I don’t really know.  We can check later if you  want.

I hope you will comment and let me know if it piqued your interest.  Please.

Roger

Steve

Steve do believe in a Higher Power.

I believe in God.

Do you believe the Bible?

Yes.

Steve do you believe your soul is saved?

I do.

Steve do believe that you would go to heaven if you died right now.

If there is a Heaven.

Steve, I thought you believed the bible?

I do.

Steve do you believe anything else about the hereafter?

What else is there?

Steve what if there is something else?

Like what?

Steve I’m asking the questions here.

Not anymore.

Steve what if they changed the Bible or left part of out?

Who would do that?

Steve did you ever hear of religion?

Stupid question.

Steve did you ever think to find out about other religions and Churches?

I have been exposed.

Steve did you ever say for example google Judaism, Hinduism, Catholicism, or atheism and compare them
I had religion in college.

Steve answer the question?

No.

Steve do you want to know the truth?

Yes, but it’s a faith thing.

Steve yes but there’s more. Much, much, much more.

I’m sure.

Steve want to learn about it.

Sure.

Steve watch this video please it’s only three minutes please.

Okay.

Revelation 12 in 3 minutes

One Day One Time

I woke up feeling blessed today.  That is unusual for me.  Not to say I’m not grateful for my life and situation.  Believe me I am.  But for some reason I’ve had this gnawing feeling in the back of my brain this last month or so.  It could be the holidays most likely it just my “bent” brain that needs scratching.

I have been trying to reach that itch, but I haven’t been able to until today.  And I don’t think I scratched it. But it’s gone.  Thank you. 

That being said.  It hit me this morning again.  You know that dumb questions.  Why are you here?  Oh, that one you say.  Yep!  So, I rolled it around a little bit in the back or my addled brain.  When I was writing the Bend, “to help people rolled out on the floor”.   And of course, I picked it up and said, I know that.  Then, try harder to help people.  Tell people a little about yourself.  Your addiction.  Your spirituality. Open up you coward.  And  I said, you know what I will.  And there you go. 

Here we go.  I tend to be the most additive person you will ever meet.  There is not an addiction that I do not enjoy.   And I can get addicted to just about anything.  I’ve never been diagnosed. But I’m OCD with not only capitals with add emphasis.  Addiction should have been my middle name instead of Glyn. And I was never happy with that spelling my parents chose for Glyn.  I really don’t know why.  It looks like I need to buy a vowel Alex.  No, that’s the Jeopardy guy.  Sorry, for your loss.  Pat.  Can I buy an E?  No? Figures.  But I digress.  It seems I use humor to “mask’ my feelings.  And we will not talk about freaking masks.

That’s another “baring of the soul”.  Where was I?   No, I just try to mix in little humor with my coffee.  Another addiction I might add.  Since I’m not working now.  I drink it all day.  And of course, I smoke cigarettes.  Please don’t close out your browser.  I’m not smoking at the moment. 

I know they will kill you.  My children are grown I’m single by choice.  Just me.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy although most of my life people described me as hard to please.  Not  to mention stubborn as a mule, narrow minded, etc.  Some even said you never quit.  And I’ve never seen anyone who would like you. Do not tell Roger to do anything, he will break his neck not to do it.  And of course, mom, I believe you would cut off you nose to spite your face.  And she was correct.  But if you tell someone that for long enough they will become that way.  Do you agree?  Because I’m living proof.  Now I’m not throwing mom under the bus.  I did that a long time ago.  And I made amends for that.   She did the absolute best job she could with the knowledge she had been exposed and learned.  In fact, she did a fantastic job.  Being as her husband died at 43.  He left her with two children, a 15-year daughter and a son 14 days away from being three.  I can’t remember the man at all.  My only memory is an Uncle holding me up to view Dad in the casket.  I asked my Uncle when Daddy was going to wake up.  He had been sent to the Pacific Theatre in WWII.

So early on as a child I learned that I could get my way with women.  My sister was more like a mom.  She got married when I was six.  So that just left me and mom.  Of course, I never went without food and clothes.  I wasn’t beaten although I regularly got the switch or a belt.  It was the times and that’s just the way it was back then.  And back then wasn’t that damn long ago either.  You know I say that, but it was. 

Because I can’t remember what I was like back then.  I look back and think about when I was 27 for example.  I can remember an event and what I did and for the most part why I did it.  But I really don’t know that person that made those decisions.  Who was that young man?  Who the hell was I.  How could I live that way.  But I did.  So, I had to say to myself, self,  things have got to change.  Something is not working.

I wasn’t always that way.  I remember saying I’ll never change.  One thing I’ve learned the hard way.  Never say never.  You’ll eat that word every time.  Don’t believe.  Email when you do.  I’ll bet you a coke you will or a $100.  Make it light on yourself.

Btw, gambling another addiction I played with. How’d that work out for ya?  Not to good.  At the time there were other addictions clamoring for my precious decision making.  Are you sure?  I don’t know I can’t decide.  Things like that may have affect my gambling addiction ability.  Who is to say?

But when you are binge drinker as I was, it’s a safe bet. LOL  I would drink for 4-6 six day in a row.  I’m serious.  And I did not drink beer or wine unless I had too.  I drank Jim Beam whiskey straight all day, all night until I passed out.  The first think upon waking.  Search for the bottle, find, drink, over the sink, in case it comes back up.  I mean really you don’t want to waste good whiskey, do you?  Nope.  Make a pot of coffee.  Smoke 5-10 cigarettes drink a pot of coffee, take a Norco, if I had one.  Or whatever other chemical I could get me hands on and so forth.  Routine is a powerful thing.  Then off the to the restaurant or restaurants.  Or whatever venture I was into.  But number one on the to do list was drink.  Period.  It took priority over everything.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I wasn’t living on the street.  I was not beating my wife abusing my children.  Or was I?  No, not physically. 

But mentally absolutely.  You give what you got.  And I did.  No, mom did not drink.  She would sip a class of Morgan David wine once every three months or so.  But mom had other issues.  She was a perfectionist.  A hypochondriac hooked on prescription drugs, and the most negative person  I’ve ever met if you had to live her.  I love her dearly.  But those are the facts.  And she made me the person I am. 

The strongest person I know.  A person who never quits on life.  And a person who never quits on a friend or a loved one.  But it took a while let me tell you.   She was hard on me when I was young.  But when I reached my teens it was all over.  I was going to do what I wanted too.  And I did.  When I got drunk at 14 baby the party was on.  Groovy!

They say the worm always turns they say.  I have a witness.  Yes. Sir could you tell me if that worm turned.  It did it turned into a cobra and you don’t want to know what happened next.  Let’s just say it called a moment of “clarity”.  Thank you for that one.  So, between me and someone else I been able to overcome some of my addled brain.  Somewhat. Sometimes.

But there always a new brain addle around somewhere.  You remember I told you I could be just a little be addictive.  And for the longest time I would seem to find them.  Dang it I had when that happens.  Me too.  But I keep fighting and kicking.  But you know a person is the way he is.  So now I’m addicted to collecting things.  I collect most anything.  It’s pretty spooky sometime.  A friend of mine tells everyone.  If you need something anything, I guarantee he’ll have it.  Then damn thing is he’s right.

Now I’m collecting words.  It’s my favorite.  I went to college to be a CPA.  I didn’t graduate college because I had a good job making awesome money and knew everything already at 25.  I don’t get it Big Dan.  Me either.  But that’s me in all my glory.  Stupid.

I guess that’s enough for now.  But let me say this.  What I had to do was get to know myself.  I had to ask myself why I am so fucked up.  And the reason?  My homelife as a child.  The television shows, movies, the games I played and the music I listened to all contributed.  Add to that the bad choices I made coupled with the fact I was a self-centered ego maniac with low self esteem all led to a high dive into the ocean of hell.  How do you like me now?  I know honesty seems to be the hardest word.  But I’m still standing. 

The bottom line?  There is no bottom line this time.  Only lines drawn in the sand.  Each day is one day at a time.  Not that I’m struggling but it’s an attitude I have tried to develop.  If I ask myself do I have everything I need today to have a good day.  Most of the time I do.  So, I try to take it easy and not worry about stupid shit.  Because in the end it’s all stupid shit anyway.  Do you agree?  Give it some time.  One day at a time.  You’ll be here before  you know it.  Thanks for listening.  RGH

The Next Right Thing

That was the statement.  The next right thing.  I liked it immediately.  It made perfect sense to me.  That’s all anyone can do.  If you do that it’s enough.  And so, that’s what I try to do.  The next right thing.  Sometimes I think it will be a 50/50 chance that it will be the next right thing.  But you’ve got to make the decision and just do the next right thing.  And I promise and swear that will be enough. 

People say, what is right for you might not be right for me.  True.  But after you take everything into consideration what other choice do you have?  Because I believe it is always right. 

You may ask, who are you to say what is right and what is wrong?  My opinion is everyone is born with an instinct.  Instinctively people know in there heart if a thing if wrong.  The guilt will tell you that.  Therefore, if you don’t buy in to the concept of right and wrong or that people instinctively know the difference in the two posers, then my words will not reach you. 

In this day and time, it’s my opinion most people are uncaring.  And recently I have had to rethink this. That very thought is pre-judgmental.  It may be true.  But it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  It warps my mind. I went in with a bad attitude.  What did I expect to be the outcome?   It is what it is.  I detest that phrase.  It was what it was, maybe.   No, it will be what I make it to be.   Because in the end I must live with me.  So, I will continue to TRY to do the next right thing. No matter what happens.  It eases my mind and seems to be working for me.

And I have found the consequences, from experience, and hard knocks, how being self-centered, dishonest, or over-bearing turns out.  I didn’t enjoy the visit and had to change my destination. 

Some may ask where did I find this little nugget?  It was a drunk that said it.  How do I know he was a drunk?  He said he was, and I believed him.  Because I was one too.  And still am.  But today I have a choice.  And partially because of the drunk.   And I would like to thank him right now.  Because he died and I never got to thank him.  So, I will do It now.  Thanks, J.O.  I love you!

So, if you’re reading this and the thought occurred.  What is wrong with me?  What can’t I stop?  I’m losing my mind.  I’m losing everything I care about and love.  Let me the first to say if no one has said it to you today, I love you, and God does too.  And there is help available. Alcoholics Anonymous without a doubt saved my life.  And the people in AA saved my life literally.  But, and yes there is always a but, it seems.  YOU MUST DO IT FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.  YOU.  Do you want to be sober for you.  You can’t get sober, so your wife won’t divorce you or because you’re about to get fired.  Is your soul sick of being sick and tired.  There is help available. And if you want it, it promise it works. 

God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change.  Change the things I can. And the wisdom the know the difference.

RGH

12-10-2020

Penned Prayer

Lord, I don’t mean to sin, to offend, to depend, but it seems I don’t blend.

As I try to comprehend my need to defend and to append, I try to contend.

Completely intend to amend my pen.  For being a loose end, my blend distends.

And I find myself at a dead end with no friend to depend.

Please help me to ascend to apprehend my penned back end.

That he might transcend this trend, so I might be a book end.

For friends that I might lend wend and suspend the dreaded end.

Forever Amen.

The Bend

I’ve been around that Whiskey Bend.

It was after my mind left school.

Since my mind found whiskey.

Around the bend!

I learned to drive the bend.

In the end. So that the bend.

Is bent again. To another end.

Of a spiritual blend.

So that the end may begin again.

In the end.

RGH

12-9-2020

Wrong Song

I wrote a song for the throng!

And everyone sang along.

Sang the wrong song.

I must be listening wrong.

To the throng.

As they sing my wrong song.

The Long song for the throng!

Then it happened for the throng.

They started to sing along again to the song.

The throng sang the long wrong song.

Along with the song that was wrong.

You are so wrong.

RGH

12-9-2020

(SMILE)

I was in possession of something that was gone.

Long gone.

Catch my drift?

Let us sift.

And drift. Just me and you.

Getting high getting high.

Why.

 Why not?

Sigh. Because it was there.

So, I started to climb.

The mountain of majestic why.

Cause I was high.

Mom don’t sigh.

I’m not going to die.

I must have some.

Some what?

That what I thought.

Then I had another one.

One what.

One thought.

I thought you told me about that thought.

I thought I did too.

Thought?

Sought.  I thought I forgot.

Whew! Thought. Sought.

Fraught with thought.

Why. Why not?

The damn loop.

What about it?

That’s what I thought.

SEE?

Absolutely nothing.

You’ve found it.

What?

The why!(Smile)

A very thin disguise.

It’s just a loop you know.

(SMILE) {insert simile here}.

Awhile!

RGH

12-10-2020

To Ashes

Wishful Sinful Fuck

The walls are crumbling.

You stand there stumbling.

And you sit and wish.

Wishful Sinful fuck.

Looking for satisfaction.

Wishes and fools. Candy and nuts.

Wishful Sinful Fuck

Say goodbye to Hollywood.

You hopeless loser. Boozer.

Wishful Sinful Fuck

As you stare into the mirror,

Sweet emotion tells you goodbye.

Goodbye you reply.

Wishful Sinful Fuck

You’ve gone too far,

Searching for your star.

It’s just too damn far.

Wishful Sinful Fuck.

The paces, faces, and places of a rambling past recalled.

Fragmented spaces now, wait for tech support.

No address found. Enter new destination flashes.

To Ashes.

Wishful Sinful Fuck

RGH /TEP

12-10-2020

Foolish Fool

I can’t stop loving you.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop loving me.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop loving.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop living.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop dying.

You foolish fool.

I can’t the sun from going down.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop anything.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop searching.

You foolish fool.

I can’t find kindness.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop destruction.

You foolish fool.

I can’t stop the other thought.

You foolish fool.

I can stop two though.

You, foolish, foolish, foolish,

Other you.

RGH

12-102020

In a Heart of Woe

Cut him if he stands.

For he is not the strand.

From behind the door.

Is anyone there?

A pain of sorrow.

From tomorrow.

There is no pain.

For the insane.

Take that grain.

And feed the masses.

For they are but lasses.

Lost and beyond feeling.

Numb,  in need of healing.

The cut will close a hole.

In a heart of woe.

Feel the wind blow.

Sow.

RGH

12/10/2020