I woke up feeling blessed today. That is unusual for me. Not to say I’m not grateful for my life and situation. Believe me I am. But for some reason I’ve had this gnawing feeling in the back of my brain this last month or so. It could be the holidays most likely it just my “bent” brain that needs scratching.
I have been trying to reach that itch, but I haven’t been able to until today. And I don’t think I scratched it. But it’s gone. Thank you.
That being said. It hit me this morning again. You know that dumb questions. Why are you here? Oh, that one you say. Yep! So, I rolled it around a little bit in the back or my addled brain. When I was writing the Bend, “to help people rolled out on the floor”. And of course, I picked it up and said, I know that. Then, try harder to help people. Tell people a little about yourself. Your addiction. Your spirituality. Open up you coward. And I said, you know what I will. And there you go.
Here we go. I tend to be the most additive person you will ever meet. There is not an addiction that I do not enjoy. And I can get addicted to just about anything. I’ve never been diagnosed. But I’m OCD with not only capitals with add emphasis. Addiction should have been my middle name instead of Glyn. And I was never happy with that spelling my parents chose for Glyn. I really don’t know why. It looks like I need to buy a vowel Alex. No, that’s the Jeopardy guy. Sorry, for your loss. Pat. Can I buy an E? No? Figures. But I digress. It seems I use humor to “mask’ my feelings. And we will not talk about freaking masks.
That’s another “baring of the soul”. Where was I? No, I just try to mix in little humor with my coffee. Another addiction I might add. Since I’m not working now. I drink it all day. And of course, I smoke cigarettes. Please don’t close out your browser. I’m not smoking at the moment.
I know they will kill you. My children are grown I’m single by choice. Just me. It doesn’t take much to make me happy although most of my life people described me as hard to please. Not to mention stubborn as a mule, narrow minded, etc. Some even said you never quit. And I’ve never seen anyone who would like you. Do not tell Roger to do anything, he will break his neck not to do it. And of course, mom, I believe you would cut off you nose to spite your face. And she was correct. But if you tell someone that for long enough they will become that way. Do you agree? Because I’m living proof. Now I’m not throwing mom under the bus. I did that a long time ago. And I made amends for that. She did the absolute best job she could with the knowledge she had been exposed and learned. In fact, she did a fantastic job. Being as her husband died at 43. He left her with two children, a 15-year daughter and a son 14 days away from being three. I can’t remember the man at all. My only memory is an Uncle holding me up to view Dad in the casket. I asked my Uncle when Daddy was going to wake up. He had been sent to the Pacific Theatre in WWII.
So early on as a child I learned that I could get my way with women. My sister was more like a mom. She got married when I was six. So that just left me and mom. Of course, I never went without food and clothes. I wasn’t beaten although I regularly got the switch or a belt. It was the times and that’s just the way it was back then. And back then wasn’t that damn long ago either. You know I say that, but it was.
Because I can’t remember what I was like back then. I look back and think about when I was 27 for example. I can remember an event and what I did and for the most part why I did it. But I really don’t know that person that made those decisions. Who was that young man? Who the hell was I. How could I live that way. But I did. So, I had to say to myself, self, things have got to change. Something is not working.
I wasn’t always that way. I remember saying I’ll never change. One thing I’ve learned the hard way. Never say never. You’ll eat that word every time. Don’t believe. Email when you do. I’ll bet you a coke you will or a $100. Make it light on yourself.
Btw, gambling another addiction I played with. How’d that work out for ya? Not to good. At the time there were other addictions clamoring for my precious decision making. Are you sure? I don’t know I can’t decide. Things like that may have affect my gambling addiction ability. Who is to say?
But when you are binge drinker as I was, it’s a safe bet. LOL I would drink for 4-6 six day in a row. I’m serious. And I did not drink beer or wine unless I had too. I drank Jim Beam whiskey straight all day, all night until I passed out. The first think upon waking. Search for the bottle, find, drink, over the sink, in case it comes back up. I mean really you don’t want to waste good whiskey, do you? Nope. Make a pot of coffee. Smoke 5-10 cigarettes drink a pot of coffee, take a Norco, if I had one. Or whatever other chemical I could get me hands on and so forth. Routine is a powerful thing. Then off the to the restaurant or restaurants. Or whatever venture I was into. But number one on the to do list was drink. Period. It took priority over everything. Now don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t living on the street. I was not beating my wife abusing my children. Or was I? No, not physically.
But mentally absolutely. You give what you got. And I did. No, mom did not drink. She would sip a class of Morgan David wine once every three months or so. But mom had other issues. She was a perfectionist. A hypochondriac hooked on prescription drugs, and the most negative person I’ve ever met if you had to live her. I love her dearly. But those are the facts. And she made me the person I am.
The strongest person I know. A person who never quits on life. And a person who never quits on a friend or a loved one. But it took a while let me tell you. She was hard on me when I was young. But when I reached my teens it was all over. I was going to do what I wanted too. And I did. When I got drunk at 14 baby the party was on. Groovy!
They say the worm always turns they say. I have a witness. Yes. Sir could you tell me if that worm turned. It did it turned into a cobra and you don’t want to know what happened next. Let’s just say it called a moment of “clarity”. Thank you for that one. So, between me and someone else I been able to overcome some of my addled brain. Somewhat. Sometimes.
But there always a new brain addle around somewhere. You remember I told you I could be just a little be addictive. And for the longest time I would seem to find them. Dang it I had when that happens. Me too. But I keep fighting and kicking. But you know a person is the way he is. So now I’m addicted to collecting things. I collect most anything. It’s pretty spooky sometime. A friend of mine tells everyone. If you need something anything, I guarantee he’ll have it. Then damn thing is he’s right.
Now I’m collecting words. It’s my favorite. I went to college to be a CPA. I didn’t graduate college because I had a good job making awesome money and knew everything already at 25. I don’t get it Big Dan. Me either. But that’s me in all my glory. Stupid.
I guess that’s enough for now. But let me say this. What I had to do was get to know myself. I had to ask myself why I am so fucked up. And the reason? My homelife as a child. The television shows, movies, the games I played and the music I listened to all contributed. Add to that the bad choices I made coupled with the fact I was a self-centered ego maniac with low self esteem all led to a high dive into the ocean of hell. How do you like me now? I know honesty seems to be the hardest word. But I’m still standing.
The bottom line? There is no bottom line this time. Only lines drawn in the sand. Each day is one day at a time. Not that I’m struggling but it’s an attitude I have tried to develop. If I ask myself do I have everything I need today to have a good day. Most of the time I do. So, I try to take it easy and not worry about stupid shit. Because in the end it’s all stupid shit anyway. Do you agree? Give it some time. One day at a time. You’ll be here before you know it. Thanks for listening. RGH