For Shelby…

Angel… 

I have never been good with words…feelings…have always screwed me up…emotions…only had two anger and happy…I had them…yes…but they were bottled up…deep inside me…I was taught that…men don’t cry…men don’t fear…men can’t show emotion…be a man son…don’t cry…man up…they died for a reason…God has a reason…don’t grieve for me…them…be happy…don’t be sad…you can’t change it…God has a plan… 

Shelby I loved you first…when you were born…you were a miracle…my miracle…you loved me no matter what…you loved me more than your mom…and it drove nuts…because you can only love mom…that’s the gospel according…to Amanda…doubt me…think, think, think…. 

I know you think you hate me…but you cannot…because it’s in your heart…you can’t take love out of your heart…and one day…you will need me again…but most of all you will look in the mirror…think…hear a voice…and it won’t be mine…but you will wish it was…why?  Because you will hear her voice…and you will say shit…she’s WRONG…in fact that is downright mean…and you will say…fuck this shit…I’m calling my Dad…or better yet I’m going to see my dad…right the fuck now…I need to hear sanity for a fucking change…so when you do Becca…I’ll be there….until then…. 

You see…you can’t change who you are…you are me…except a female…DNA doesn’t lie…as I watched you grow up…I knew…people would always say…OMG…I thought you looked like your mom until…I saw you and your Dad together…you know that’s the gospel truth…as a little girl you looked identical to my sister…you could have been her twin…so I know you got the Hayes gene’s…which is a damn good thing…you are brilliant…gorgeous…and have a perfect, caring, soft heart…you love God, family, good friends, and you have many…Ditto!  You hate being late, are obsessive, to the point of being compulsive…you hate it but embrace it…you care to much sometimes…you are afraid of almost everything….but fearless…you love almost everything…but at times, hate everything including yourself…you wonder why the fuck your mom is so narrow minded…her talk doesn’t fit her walk…but she is a wonderful person in so many ways…and you love her unconditionally…and you should…but, and there is always a but…why couldn’t she get along with Dad?  I got along with Dad…yes we got along great…and don’t let the rest of them tell you we didn’t…because your half-sister…lies just like your mom…and that’s the reason she is called a half-sister…she only has DNA from mommy….and she will take her side, against me every fucking time…like a robot…because Amanda…programmed her…but I programmed you…now that code has a virus right now…but it can be fixed…and Amanda, Kendra, Johnny, Maw-maw can’t take that code out of you…why?  Because God wrote that code darling….and guess what??? You cannot change what God gave you or what God made you! No human being can do that, I promise…you see that is what I have known for a long time…. but never really acknowledged it… 

You see I cried this morning…I heard a song that made me think of you…and it made me cry…because I miss you…I’ve missed out on so much these past years…and I know I can’t get them back…as sentimental as I am, it seems the things that mean the most to me I always seem to miss…I really don’t know why…I guess because I’m selfish…just like your mom…you see we are alike too.  I told her this long before you came along…but she didn’t buy into it…when she was mad…she would say I’m nothing like you…wrong…some people can never admit the truth…ever…but one day you will know…Dad never lied to me and I know he never will…he taught me respect…he taught me to think for myself…he taught me left handed lay-up’s, he taught me to be tough…he taught me to work, to never quit, to love music…to swim…to love dog’s…he taught me to apologize…to say I’m wrong, I’m sorry…and he taught me to love…not just say the word…and he taught me go love the Crimson Tide….Amen…and he taught me to cook…and he taught me it’s okay to fuck up…but most of all he taught me about life…life is what you make it…life is a bowl of cherries…and life is what you make it…and you can do anything…if you believe in yourself…have faith… and do the next right thing…because there are no mistakes…in God’s world…. 

I used to worry about time…and I wonder will there be time to spend time with you again…and tell you silly jokes…and make you smile again…Knock knock…whose there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock whose there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock…whose there??? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock whose there???? Orange…orange who??? Orange you glad I did not say banana again….say it again Daddy…okay…. 

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